1. Despite our protests, we are secretly amazed and even a little bit jealous of how comfortable you are with your bodies. The kick you get from farting, burping, and scratching is impressive.
2. The sports obsession is not a problem. Go to the sports bar for Monday Night Football. Take the whole weekend to golf. Please. Expand poker night to Tuesdays and Thursdays. It just gives us more time to run the world in your absence. We do this regardless, but it's nice not to have you breathing down our necks.
3. We know about the three grand in parking tickets. We just haven't said anything. Yet.
4. We love it when you try.
5. Whenever you start to tell that story, the hilarious one that shows how great you really are, we have a place we go to in our minds. They have blender drinks there and cute cabana boys. Did I say "cute"? I meant "mute."
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